Why you can’t be friends with your ex: After a Break Up: Friendly but not Friends

I hear it all the time, “I’ve split from my ex-partner, and now we’ve agreed that we would like to be friends!”. Or, “We’ve split; do you think we will be friends?” The answer to both is a flat NO; it won’t work. Unless the two of you set up boundaries and guidelines about what that friendship looks like and what you want from it. That is rare, and it’s likely to fail. You think you can be grown up and mature; it’s likely you can’t be.

Why You Can’t Be Friends With Your Ex

You can’t befriend your ex-partner because you can’t control your emotions—very few people can. Your relationship was emotional; it wasn’t like a relationship with a colleague or friend.

Here’s what you do to be Friendly but not Friends

Please make sure to get it into your mind that the relationship is finished, 100%. Then, every time you meet up, be nice to each other. Friendly means smiling, having short conversations, and not prying into the other’s life—in other words, you are warm but not friends.

Get into the growth mind phase of thinking of the good things about that relationship. Think about those special moments when you felt like a flower in a secret garden. Smile a lot; remember that relationship was a beautiful flower, not a weed.

One day, you may become friends—not yet. When all your grieving is done, thoughts of him (or her) are gone, and opinions about them as a person have moderated. In other words, you’re no longer pissed off and angry with him for what he did or didn’t do. Then you can maybe look to being friends. But guess what? By then, you may not even want to be friends.

Friendly But Not Friends.

There’s only one way to operate if you need to talk to your ex-partner. That is to be friendly but not friends. Is there stuff to be resolved? For example, who takes the dog? Do you need to pick up stuff from his place, or does he need to pick up items from your place? Your biggest challenge after a break up is if you have children. Being friendly but not friends is imperative because your children must be picked up and dropped off. Learning how to relay information about your children happily would be best.

The Rules

Please be sure to work it out by being friendly. Do not hug them or offer or accept a coffee or drink. That’s what friends do. Remember,  you’re being nice. Smile a lot because that’s what you do when you’re being friendly—like counter staff in a shop.

That’s all there is to it.

When you’re smiling and friendly, you automatically portray a new image of yourself. Before you know it, your ex-partner will mirror you because they become more comfortable. You become cheery and happy; they begin to soften. It’s as easy as that.

Psychic Andrew Warnes

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