Jilted Lover : Being friends with my Ex : Splitting Up
Four months ago I met a woman online. Started with a coffee on a Sunday morning, that I thought would last an hour—3 hours later I had to leave to see a client. On the Tuesday, we had dinner and very quickly something special developed.
We became attached to each other. She introduced new things to me and I became someone who wasn’t a ‘friend-with-benefits’ because we did things together. Pretty soon I referred to her as my girl friend because she lived 30 minutes away and did her stuff and I did mine. We would meet two to four times a week. Our mutual attachment quickly became emotional attachment, especially for me and she gave me wonderful feedback that our feelings were mutual. Then I became the jilted lover.
About a week ago, over a planned drink, she told me that there was something not working for her and the relationship would end.
I’m a jilted lover. I am sad, flat and keep coming up with “How could I have done it differently” thoughts. Well, I was for 4 days after the split. I want to make something clear, she told me straight—very fairly and nicely, that there something within her that was not right. That last meeting was quite beautiful because clearly we both with love in our hearts.
My mind and logic accepted what had happened. But, as always happens, it triggered something emotional. For me, I was far more emotionally invested in the relationship than she was, although I never had any indication during the four months that this was the case. We all know breaking up is not fun—for me, it was difficult because she was someone to go and see. My go to person, I loved that feeling, the warmth, the smile, tenderness, the conversation and that fantastic sex. I also knew there was something inside me want that wanted to hurt her. I’m lucky, because I find that feeling easy to dismiss.
Being the jilted lover I felt abandoned. My emotional hurt which goes right back to my childhood is abandonment, and with with that comes loneliness and emptiness. But there’s an important thing to remember about abandonment. Only children can be abandoned, adults cannot, if you’re feeling lonely and abandoned you’re acting like a child—you need to grow up. There’s one last thing about being abandoned. You likely want to have the last word by emailing or texting what you think are important things that need to be said. Once we split there is nothing else to be said. For a couple of days I wanted the last word, so I texted things. Lucky for me she didn’t block, she responded with her last words and on and on it went for three days.
The End : What I did…..
After 1-week, I’m 90% free. I still think about her, but I’m over her. Clearly the list of things I did (below) worked, and they worked quickly.
Here’s what I did.
- I took 2-3 doses of rescue remedy each day for the first 3 days—calm the emotions, and
- I made no substantial decisions—I deferred them.
- Next, I did my perturbation stuff. We’ve talked about this before, and I asked the following questions of myself. “Knowing the way I’m feeling, what’s great about that”; “When is now a great time for me to move out of the way I’m feeling”; “What’s the first thing I’m going to do to help myself”.
- I got busy—but I did the good things—movies (but not sad movies), I had no alcohol, I did have a breakup ice cream with a very special young friend, and I made a point of talking to happy friends. People who wouldn’t allow me to go into my emotional drama-glue.
- I talked to my trusted friends, some of whom are my mentors. These people certainly don’t go into my drama glue and I talked to them people because I wanted different perspectives from different people. This is a learning thing for me, it’s my way digging down into myself so I grow from the experience. Essentially, I’m gaining reassurance that I’m a good person.
- I got back into my old routine. The complete routine b — my morning meditation, stretches, walk, coffee out with friends, before returning home to a beautiful breakfast, and lastly,
- I nurtured myself by going to have a massage.
Being Friends With My Ex
Next comes the question that all ask. Can we be friends? Is being friends with my Ex a proposition?
In my case, we will not be friends. There is too much between us and there is no reason to be friends.
Was There a Reason For The Relationship?
It’s taken a week, but now I’m getting it. What was this relationship for? What did I learn?
I learnt a lot from this relationship. This beautiful woman introduced me to some things I never thought I’d experience and some of those things I’ve decided to take further. I’ve learnt something amazing and a little crazy and I’m off to learn some things about sexuality and sexual boundaries that I’ve never contemplated before.
I’ve also learnt that in any new relationship to never over-think the relationship.
Psychic Andrew Warnes