Complex Relationship
On a road trip to Brisbane the other day my beautiful partner and I discussed our Complex Relationship. Aspects of new relationships that many overlook.
When you’re in a long-term relationship, anything longer than 12 months, you and your partner discover various aspects of each other. These discoveries meld into a unique essence which is special to the two of you. This essence consists of your norms and behaviours including the way you talk to each other. Also your daily habits, the way you look at each other, your memories of past events. Moreover there is the impact of those memorable positive and negative events that shaped your lives. You understand that the longer you spend in a relationship the more these Essence Norms get burnt into your psyche. They become you and they shape your existence with your partner. Add to this the emotional and psychological effects of your friends, family and the addition of children into the equation. Now you realise what a complex structure you and your partner have built for yourselves.
Things to Think About in a Complex Relationship
Imagine how strong these Essence Norms become after 30 years of marriage! This is why the death or separation of a long-term partner is so devastating to us. Imagine what happens if this relationship should abruptly come to an end and how chaotic our life would likely become. Unfortunately, many people try to short track this emotional chaos by jumping into a new relationship too soon.
Have I painted a complex picture? I meant to because you need to be aware of this.
Let’s look at why this is difficult and flawed with problems
The Essence Norms I’m talking about have been hard wired into your brain, specifically into your amygdala (and basal ganglia) where long term habits and emotions are wired. If you wanted to wipe these long term habits and emotions you will need to do some heavy work on yourself to establish new norms, habits and emotions and then replace the new with the old.
Previous Partner in the Complex Relationship
So what people who take up a new partner don’t realise is that written within them is a strong pattern of norms, habits and behaviours that were written with their previous partner. To confuse you even more, if you were partnerless for a number of years you even learnt the habits and behaviours consistent with being alone and doing your own thing.
No wonder there’s conflict when you meet and move in with that new partner! Your brain is trying to re-pattern years of old habits, norms and behaviors and to do this it goes into overdrive.
Oh, and just to complicate things even more……..it’s not only you going through this. Your new partner is doing the same thing, so are your children, friends and family. No wonder many people decide it’s easier to stay single…….
That systematic formula that I’d like to design? It would go something like this…..
When you’ve been married or in a relationship for 10 years and you split, you need to be single for at least a year before entering into another long term committed relationship; 20 years married—-> alone for 2 years; 30 year relationship —–> 4 or 5 years. Okay, yes I get what you’re thinking. We’re not all like this! I’m generalising here.
Righto, you’ve met that new special someone, what do you do?
Want something to spice up your relationship? Check out the Missionary Sex post here.
Get to Know Each Other
You talk and talk and talk, then you learn about each other and lastly, you stop obsessing about things you used to do that felt great, chances are if you introduce those things to your new partner, they won’t feel great—–this is another person! Right?
You tell stories, you ask questions. You participate in decision making and you breath. When things get tough, and they will, you don’t react, you breath. Then you communicate your thoughts in a way that allows both of you to evolve into a special relationship.
Sound easy? It is, so take the time to be aware of what you’re going through and do some work to evolve into a new spectacular couple.
Have a spectacular day,
Andrew
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